This is what your face will look like after your yoga class if you have skipped or not practiced enough during the week.
I’m finding myself quoting things and people in various places today. I’m going to do it again here in a minute.
SO Jason Mraz was a thing for me as I was in my late teens early 20′s. I thought he was cute, which is odd because he’s a total stoner and I’m not really into the whole stoner thing. At the time I didn’t realize it or I was in denial, I’m not sure which. I can be naive when it comes to certain types of things (just ask Kristin about the first time I went to a major music festival and couldn’t understand why the places smelled the way it did).
Anyway, over time Jason Mraz kind of went the way of Alanis “I’m-Upset” (yes, I stole that nickname from HIMYM). I still have a special place in my heart for some of the music because it reminds me of being a very young adult and not in a bad way either. I like remembering why certain songs were significant to me at the time, and the memories are nice because I realize how simple things were at that point, how much more complicated they would get later on, but it doesn’t make me sad because, well, that’s life and I have survived so far.
Anyway, all of that to say, I don’t listen to much of Jason Mraz’ newer stuff, but I still think he’s a good song writer. I Wont Give Up is one of his new songs that I do occasionally listen to, though. I like the sentiment of this part, specifically, so I’m sharing it.
I don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you’re still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn’t break, we didn’t burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I’ve got, and what I’m not, and who I amI won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up, still looking up.
What to do during a stormy evening? Take a walk and take pictures of course. (There will probably be more soon)
Heart, cover your tracks
The blood that you spill will wash what you lack
Soul, sew up your wounds
Test out your engine. Give it some room
Mind, pick up your pace
Capture the thoughts you always chase
Soul, open your wings
Lift this cage higher than any dream
Cover your tracks
Sew up your wounds
Pick up your pace
Open your wings
Heart, flesh out your webs
The past that was tangled will unwrap & shed
Soul, sing out your songs
Clear out your throat. Belt it out strong
Cover your tracks
Sew up your wounds
Pick up your pace
Open your wings
Cover your tracks
- A Boy and His Kite
Why did you have to give me hormones that fight against my best efforts to be trusting and caring and a generally nice person to be around?!? Why!?!
Some mornings I wake up and things seem so clear.
For a very brief window of time before I sit up, before my feet touch the ground, maybe even before I’m fully awake, there are certain things that just… make sense. Things that I usually struggle with during the day, things that I war over in my mind, fears that nag at me and refuse to be silenced, somehow in that moment have vanished and I am peaceful in a way that’s hard to describe and sure of what is true.
I wish that I could sink into that moment, or somehow carry it with me, but shortly after that moment comes all of the other moments in the day. I sit up, I go into my bathroom and realize that the dreams that are replaying in my head must have caused me to toss because my hair is disheveled beyond description. I start coffee or tea, take my dog out the back door and sit a moment on my deck, breathing deep and ponder how fantastically ugly my neighbors new fence is. =) I have breakfast and check things like email, facebook, instagram, my calendar. Talk myself off a ledge when I start to get that knot in my stomach over everything I’m supposed to be getting done between now and whenever. And all that’s before I even get ready for work.
The moment where everything made sense is gone… until the next morning.
I keep thinking of part of this song that mentions that being brave is just another way of being afraid. It would be an easy thing to take the wrong way, I think. Depressing almost if you don’t pay attention and take it to simply mean that no matter what, everyone is just scared.
The thing is, though, I think everyone is scared.
Life is scary. There are a lot of sudden changes, a lot of things you never think possible happen, and there’s no real way to hide from any of that. And the not knowing what’s coming, what it all means, how certain changes will effect you, and trying to be patient while you find out. Well, that’s the scariest part.
We’re all afraid… and that’s ok.
What I like about the words to the song is that it makes me realize that even though we’re all afraid, we have a choice when it comes down to the way that plays out in our lives. I wake up in the morning and that feeling I have of security and purpose isn’t false, it isn’t lingering sleepiness keeping me in a safe bubble until reality bursts it. It’s bravery. My instinct in those first few moments is to look being afraid dead in the eye instead of hiding from it, and as a result for just a second I feel like, well, like the real me. Then somewhere along the way as “reality” sets in I make a choice to be buried under it all. Bravery slips away and I start running. I’ve lived whole sections of my life trying to figure out how to carefully avoid all that I’m afraid of, planning out every step I take with the sole purpose of avoiding being afraid.
I’m done. I don’t want to do it anymore. It’s exhausting.
I like the brave Katie I get a glimpse of every morning.
It’s 6:35 am.
This is so not what my view from my deck is like, and I’m pretty sure this is a sunset that I took, but oh well. It’s peaceful.
I’m sipping coffee and having breakfast that I made (a little toast, egg, black beans and of course salsa, what’s breakfast without salsa?) and thinking.
I’m wishing that it was just a little warmer outside and I had a table and chair on my deck (why don’t I have that yet?) so that I could be doing this out there, looking into the morning sunrise through the trees and undergrowth that border and protect my little apartment. I just know that if I were outside, all this thinking would be going better.
Some people don’t believe in being able to sense energy around you and it somehow effecting your own energy. I was probably one of those people at some point or other. Not so much now, the energy around me has a pretty significant impact on my mood, the way I think, the way I move.
Being outside, feeling the wind and the sun, smelling the earthy green smells, seeing tree branches sway and the various colors all around is the most hopeful energy I have experienced, and I need hopeful energy.
Yesterday my head was full to bursting, but I -think- I managed it well. “Now panic and Freak out” is usually my calling card, this time I think I kept a pretty calm… something. Attitude?
I’m learning to be be still and know that He is God.
There’s a lot I’m still processing, but it will take it’s time, I can wait for it to come as it will. In the meantime, (and certain readers need to close their eyes right about now, or pretend I have stopped typing), I’ve been playing with self tanners. =D
I’m very committed to not looking orange and so I only work with the best. People if you want self tanner in your life. St Tropez and Vita Liberata are the way to go. Together. Carefully. And don’t go overboard because then you’ll just look weird.
Thanks for listening to me ramble.
Lately I feel as though my head is so full that it’s got my body trying to go in three different directions. There are some many things that are important to me. So many things that I not only want to do, but want to do well.
I’m still at a loss for what to do about my retail job. I mean, I know I need to be in something with more regular business hours. I need to able to do the things I care about doing without feeling like they are a chore because retail sucks the life out of me in a way that makes me feel brain dead at times.
This isn’t the life I want. And I know, I know. There aren’t many people who truly have the life they want. But when I think about it, I mean really think about it, what are we doing here? Seriously. Think. What are we doing here? I wasn’t put on this planet to survive, I was put on it to live. Yes I have to pay bills, but do I want to get to the end of my life and that’s what I’ve accomplished? Really?
It’s a lot to try to figure out, and while I’m sitting here trying to figure out how to figure out, there are about ten things I need to get done before noon, which is when I have to get ready to go to my retail job and do retail things while all of the things that I’m most passionate about politely get put on pause.
It seems so wrong, pressing pause on passion. Hm.
I need to do something creative. I need some complex makeup to do, it helps my mind organize, it puts things into order.
In an effort to be more healthy and more sane I’ve started going to pilates and yoga classes with my good friend Sarah.
I’ve done both pilates and yoga before, but always at home. I don’t know, for some reason I was intimidated of taking classes, I didn’t like the idea of having to get a gym membership to go to classes either. I really, really, reallyreallyreallyreally, don’t like gyms. I don’t want to sound like I’m casting judgement on everyone who goes into them, but gyms make me uncomfortable and I don’t end up going. I don’t know how the idea struck me but sometime a couple months ago I remembered that the Georgetown Recreation Center offered various classes, started talking to Sarah about them and eventually decided to attend.
Best. Decision. Ever.
I LOVE the Rec Center! The feeling walking in is so different than going into a gym… instead of a sense of competition, you feel a sense of community. There’s no judgement, the people inside seem, well, happy. The classes are mixed ages and mixed levels of ability, but you never feel left out or left behind, it’s OK to laugh at yourself, and feel good about what you’re learning and you don’t even really stop to compare how you’re doing compared to someone else. Which, let me tell you, is really saying something coming from me because I am very competitive and very hard on myself.
I can’t even begin to say how much I look forward to getting to go to class now, how grateful I am that Sarah invited me to that first class, and how awesome the people in the classes and the teachers are.
Brunch with Dad and Kristin was great! I love El Monumento! It’s pretty and I love the ambience.
The Bachelor themed birthday stuff is having to adjust for, well, a variety of things that I’m not going to talk about here and now. I’ve decided that after 31 years of fighting for control of things I can’t control and being horribly resistant to change, especially sudden change, that I’m tired. I’m committed to aging gracefully, and I think fighting the losing battle of change is going to give me wrinkles and make me bitter eventually.
