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I’ve been in the middle of writers block and extreme emotions lately.
It’s not a great combination, let me assure you. So I took some time to step back and focus on some other things for a few weeks, but today ends that little break and it’s back to work writing and trying to get this emotional whirlwind to calm down a tad. I’m seriously only asking for a tad.
There are times in life when I can take things better than others, where the circumstances around me effect me less dramatically. This has not been one of those times.
Everything is pushing down on me.
I’ve been particularly plagued by wondering things about future relationships. Will I ever marry? Will I ever have my own children? As a nanny and an aunt I spend so much time looking into the faces of other people’s children– children that I love and care for– and wonder how differently it would feel to hold my own babies. Thinking these things has never been so painful as it is right now in my life. I have wondered before but it was always with the assumption that it would all work itself out in the future, but now, in so many senses, the future has come and I realize that it doesn’t stretch out endlessly before me the way it once felt like it did. It’s rough.
I’m also having trouble with the fact that I’m old enough now to not only have seen many of my friends marry, but I am beginning to seem them re-marry. Again rough because I just can’t quite understand how it works out that I can’t manage to marry once and some of them are able to do it again. And that hurts, too.
I don’t say any of that to get attention or pity. Please, please, no pity. It’s just where I’m at right now, it’s what I’m going through, but what I know is that God loves me, even though I don’t really understand it and even though it doesn’t always make sense. It’s the greatest truth I know. And things may be hard today, but love will win in the end and I will have better days.
I’m learning that heart brokenness is something you experience in phases. There’s the initial phase where you feel pain that is, as best as I can describe it, like the pain you feel when you hold something cold for too long. It burns and is cold and throbbing at the same time and it’s everywhere. In that state you can’t really reason, you can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, and you don’t want to try to work out where exactly things hurt or why. It’s washing all over you and the best thing you can do for yourself in that moment is just to let it.
One of the things that caused me to fall in love with Deborah Harkness’ Discovery of Witches was a single part where the heroine, a witch, experiences such a deep feeling of grief that she produces what the author calls “witch water”. The rise of such powerful emotions causes water to seep and the pour from the witches body. What begin as tears soon turn into giant drops and then there is water seeping from her finger tips and toes.
That’s it exactly.
That’s how it feels… except I don’t get the physical reality of water pouring from my body and flooding my surroundings. There’s a little part of me that wishes I did. Ok, more than a little part of me. It just seems like it would feel gratifying to have that side effect so that people could actually see the depth of what you were feeling.
Anyway, the next phase I’ve come to understand is the one in which most days are fine. Most of the time I feel ok. Not limping, not holding my heart up on crutches, I’m going on with my life. The trouble with this phase is that when the hurt bubbles up, it comes on fast and unexpectedly. There are no warning signs, it’s just smacking me in the face and sending me reeling backwards before I have a chance to know what hit me. It happens most when I’m alone and things are quiet. And that’s the worst part because I have always treasured time to be alone and to have things quiet. But now I find myself trying to be alone as little as possible and looking for reasons to be busy, to the point of exhausting myself.
It’s not fair. Nothing is ever fair. There is no fair.
People get relationship after relationship, marriage after marriage, chance after chance. And here I am. I spend years invest, years trying to understand, years of trying to be what I think is right for that moment and in the end I’m still by myself. And there are times when it’s ok because I know a lot of those people who have gotten all those chances would rather not have to have been through much, and I can count myself blessed. I can understand that comparing myself to others doesn’t make any sense. That my story, my life, is different and I shouldn’t want someone else’s, but right now is not one of those times.
The good news is that these times don’t last very long, and in the middle of it all I have people around me who care, I have things to write about, even if sometimes they almost feel like they are digging the knife in a little deeper. I have the fact that I am nothing if not determined and I know myself well enough to know that I can muscle through almost anything. I have young people to set example for, children to make me laugh and to give me hugs, and babies to watch smile in their sleep.
So tomorrow starts a busy week and when I say busy, I mean VERY busy week. I have work, conference, bachelorette party and lock-in to be present for. I don’t know at this point when in there I will find time to eat and sleep, but we can all hope those things get done and when they are supposed to.
A lot is about to change.
In a little over a week I start a new job. I’ll be nannying three days a week for really awesome family. I never planned to nanny, but this is a blessing and answer to prayer. Having this three days a week will give me two days a week in retail, and weekends free. Thanks be to God, I will finally be able to give time and effort to things that are important to me.
As good as it is, I’m not the best at changes to my routine, but I’m hoping that I can balance out the panic with a new attitude. I’m going to stop planning. I know. I know exactly how that sound, but fret not, hope is not lost!
I’ve been doing some realizing.
Realizing that I’ve spent a good portion of my life trying to be a person the people around me like/want/enjoy/agree with. It’s exhausting. It’s sucked some of the life right out of me. It’s my own fault. Without even really understanding that I was doing it, I would try to shove parts of myself back into corners because I was afraid if the people I care about knew those parts, they’d be disappointed or frustrated. I just wanted to be right and appropriate, and it sucked a whole, whole, lot.
Not that right and appropriate sucks, but that trying to fit into a mold when there isn’t one does. It’s ok to disagree with friends, they aren’t going to hate you for it. It’s ok to be a dog person when they are a cat person. It’s ok not to want to feel the same way about a book, listen to the same music, or vote for the same people. It’s not only ok, it’s fantastic.
It just suddenly dawned on me that I don’t have a single friend with whom I totally agree on anything, and it’s worried me to death forever and I keep trying to reshape and rework myself into something that will be pleasing to them, and it NEVER works. EVER. Not for a single relationship I’m in. Period.
So. That’s that.
I am a dog person by the way and on Tuesday I welcomed Zeke to my little family. Zeke is a 10 month old lab I adopted from a shelter, he is simply the best dog you could ever hope to have plucked out of a kennel and I can’t believe people passed him by for so long. He’s a delight and is brining joy I didn’t imagine into my world. Bianca is taking her time making up her mind about how she feels about a boy in the house.
Some days I feel like the greatest battle I fight is with my own mind. I have a really hard time not analyzing and over-thinking everything people say to me, and the worst of it is that most of what I hear is what they don’t say.
I’ve been trying to learn not to do this, or to do it differently because there’s a part of it I can’t shut off. It’s a slow process though. A very slow process.
It’s 6:35 am.
I’m sipping coffee and having breakfast that I made (a little toast, egg, black beans and of course salsa, what’s breakfast without salsa?) and thinking.
I’m wishing that it was just a little warmer outside and I had a table and chair on my deck (why don’t I have that yet?) so that I could be doing this out there, looking into the morning sunrise through the trees and undergrowth that border and protect my little apartment. I just know that if I were outside, all this thinking would be going better.
Some people don’t believe in being able to sense energy around you and it somehow effecting your own energy. I was probably one of those people at some point or other. Not so much now, the energy around me has a pretty significant impact on my mood, the way I think, the way I move.
Being outside, feeling the wind and the sun, smelling the earthy green smells, seeing tree branches sway and the various colors all around is the most hopeful energy I have experienced, and I need hopeful energy.
Yesterday my head was full to bursting, but I -think- I managed it well. “Now panic and Freak out” is usually my calling card, this time I think I kept a pretty calm… something. Attitude?
I’m learning to be be still and know that He is God.
There’s a lot I’m still processing, but it will take it’s time, I can wait for it to come as it will. In the meantime, (and certain readers need to close their eyes right about now, or pretend I have stopped typing), I’ve been playing with self tanners. =D
I’m very committed to not looking orange and so I only work with the best. People if you want self tanner in your life. St Tropez and Vita Liberata are the way to go. Together. Carefully. And don’t go overboard because then you’ll just look weird.
Thanks for listening to me ramble.
Lately I feel as though my head is so full that it’s got my body trying to go in three different directions. There are some many things that are important to me. So many things that I not only want to do, but want to do well.
I’m still at a loss for what to do about my retail job. I mean, I know I need to be in something with more regular business hours. I need to able to do the things I care about doing without feeling like they are a chore because retail sucks the life out of me in a way that makes me feel brain dead at times.
This isn’t the life I want. And I know, I know. There aren’t many people who truly have the life they want. But when I think about it, I mean really think about it, what are we doing here? Seriously. Think. What are we doing here? I wasn’t put on this planet to survive, I was put on it to live. Yes I have to pay bills, but do I want to get to the end of my life and that’s what I’ve accomplished? Really?
It’s a lot to try to figure out, and while I’m sitting here trying to figure out how to figure out, there are about ten things I need to get done before noon, which is when I have to get ready to go to my retail job and do retail things while all of the things that I’m most passionate about politely get put on pause.
It seems so wrong, pressing pause on passion. Hm.
I need to do something creative. I need some complex makeup to do, it helps my mind organize, it puts things into order.