Please, don’t try this at home.

I apologize in advance for the ranty moment that’s about to take place, but a girl can only take so much! I love fashion, just let me preface this post with that, I do. I love the creativity and art that goes into clothing design. Having said that, I have to take a moment to say how utterly dismayed it makes me to see certain runway trends trying to be translated into non-cat walk life. The Mona Lisa belongs in a Museum and certain designs should never be seen on anyone but super models. Period.

Please don’t mistake  my frustration for unnecessary harshness, I’m only trying to be honest. As much as I’d like to believe that I could pull off anything that walked down the runway, I know there are limits to which broad day light and people on the streets will be forgiving. Let’s face it, not only are some things just not intended for a regular body, (much less an irregularly short one, such as mine), it really doesn’t matter if I understand that what I’m wearing is right in step with trend, if the people people standing next to me on the corner think I got dressed in the dark. This is not New York City, ladies and gentlemen! I live in small-town, Texas, and maybe I’m just not hardcore enough in my commitment to fashion forwardness, but there are some things that my shape and my ego simply will not allow.

(Edit: I thought I should mention that I do have a style sense of adventure, my sisters can vouch for me. There are a lot of designs I’ve tried that people have scoffed at until they’ve seen them on. The examples below, however, are things that are, at least for me, a lost cause.)

Please allow me to give you, my gracious readers, a few examples of some particular trends that have worked their way under my skin recently.

Need extra storage space? Try harem pants!

First, I give you The Harem Pant… Holy wow, people. Where to begin? These are pants that sag from your butt and your crotch, and depending on the type, other places as well. I cannot imagine a situation where sagging should be considered a good thing, and yet, there they are in all of their sagging glory making their way into every fast fashion store known to women. Most disturbing to me are the type featured to the left. You have the typical sagging crotch and booty, and then suddenly it fits the leg like a pair of tights. I can only imagine that these pants are a shop lifters dream, because you could smuggle a Christmas turkey and more in the crotch of those pants and never run the risk of anything falling out of the bottom. I can assure you, the last thing that a body with anything even remotely like a curve needs is pants that both allow you to curve and sag at the same time. These pants afford us the opportunity to seriously ask, “Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?” so please, for the love of God, just say no.

Victoria Beckham in Dolce & Gabana space tulip.

Next on our tour we have The Tulip Skirt. Not bad in and of it’s self, but as of late the traditional tulip skirt has taken a turn for what I’ve dubbed “the space tulip”, a design in which the hip curve is extremely exaggerated.

Now, I can’t speak for all woman-kind, but I do know quite a few girls, myself included, who put a good bit of work into making sure that we don’t look like we have saddle bags for hips. So why-oh-why a skirt that takes my hip from being a gentle curve to a mountainous peak is supposed to be attractive is beyond me.

Again,on a model this design is interesting, on a body that is less than statuesque, it’s down right comical. Also, I seriously doubt that it’s a wise decision, on a body that features curves of it’s own, to add new and larger curves to the landscape.

Nothing can caption these.

The Short Jumper comes in 3^rd on my WTF!??! trend list. I have tried this one at home, and as the sole person to have witnessed it, I can tell you that it was very poorly received. It’s one piece, one single piece that’s supposed to fit every where correctly, which, maybe I’m a cynic, but doesn’t seem very likely or very promising. Also, unless you’re fond of getting almost completely undressed in public restrooms, I highly recommend opting not to leave the house in one of these. In most cases, they are only going to be a whole lot of trouble, I promise.

The latest in Sand People fashion, The Summer Ugg.

Last, and possibly most disconcerting is the sandal for which I do not have a name and thus have deemed, The Mummy Shoe. King Tut called and wants his ankles back… I almost have no words, except that this monstrosity also comes in an open toed bootie version as well. I don’t know who’s genius idea this was, but I can honestly say that I have never seen footwear that I found this unattractive in my life. I’m not even sure what to do with them, but I’m almost positive that if I were to attempt to wear them, my 4 year old niece would tell me that my shoes looked like rhinoceros feet.

/end rant.