You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘change’ tag.

IMG_9676Last night I had plans to go out with some friends that fell through. After the call came in that we would have to reschedule I experienced a moment of revelation in my reaction.

First I felt relieved because the truth is my schedule right now is amazingly packed and the prospect of having several hours of unassigned time that I could devote to pajama wearing, reading, eating soup and being part of the People Of The Second Chance live Twitter event was like telling me I had just won the lottery.

Next I realized that it didn’t disappoint me at all that I had gotten dressed and made up to go out and it was effort wasted now. I mean, I still had to go to the grocery store.

And my last thought, “Oh man!! I put eyeliner on for this!!!” And these days putting eye liner on is the the mark of having made effort because I don’t know if it’s just me or this particular eyeliner, but it’s ridiculously hard to get off and so whatever I’m putting it on for has to be worth the effort it takes later before I want to go to sleep to take it off.

It’s interesting how much my priorities have shifted in the last five years. I’m tempted, sometimes, to think of them as having shifted from one thing to something better, but I don’t really think that’s true. I think some priorities have grown out of others, some have changed completely, but I can’t, for instance, blame myself for setting aside so much time 2 or 3 years ago to put on makeup when that was my main focus at that time and it’s ok that it was my focus then.

Just because I have reached a place in my life where I feel better about myself with less makeup on and I have things I am more passionate about that fill the time I used to be doing makeup in, doesn’t mean that time was for nothing. I learned a lot about myself, people and God in that season.

It just amazes and kind of thrills me (when I let it) to be able to see the progress and how those steps led me to this season where I’m writing and cultivating relationships and understanding what I was made to do. And you know the really awesome part is, even though writing and speaking and being a leader is different than wearing a lot of makeup and glitter, I wouldn’t be doing the things I am now without having had the experience of doing makeup.

Interesting.

So anyway, I did have to go to the grocery store last night, and while I was in there a man walked up to me and gave me an orchid plant. I have mentioned it here before, but I am a death sentence to plants so I’m a little worried that this poor plant is doomed. I read the care instructions and apparently it’s only supposed to bloom for 40 days and then I just have to water it once in a while and six months from now it will rebloom.

Ha.

I’ll let you know how that goes in six months.

I’m about to enter a new season. I’m going to be spending a lot of time writing… well at least more time than I have been. I’m excited and a little nervous about it. But I am absolutely sure that it’s something that needs to happen. I guess the part that makes me nervous is that I know if I am going to do this there are going to be some big changes that have to take place and change is always scary.

With my schedule the way it is now I will never be able to squeeze in the amount of work that I know I need to be doing and even if I could manage to get it in I don’t know how I would be able to focus through the whole thing. This means that I am going to have to take a leap of faith, trust that God is in control and free up some space. I know exactly what space needs to be freed, It’s just really hard getting it done.

This afternoon I just kept thinking I wished that I could have someone tell me when it was the “right” time to take that kind of leap. Is there ever really a wrong time? I don’t know. What I do know is that I don’t want to get 30-40 years down the road and think, “man I wish I had stopped doing a job that was sucking my soul dry and took a risk to write, to travel, to get involved in the things that I care deeply about, to speak up and speak out.” I have to do those things. I can’t not.

Pray for me.
I don’t know what all of this looks like.
I don’t know where this will take me, but I want to be willing to go. I want to be able to drop my nets to follow Jesus.

I have to remind myself sometimes.

Things change so quickly. Every moment is altering the next several moments in some way and then you look up one day and things are so far from where you’d thought they would be. Whole futures vanish right in front of our eyes and new futures replace them.

The thing is that the future doesn’t exist, but it doesn’t mean that you don’t miss the ones you thought would work out.

I miss a future that I wont ever have, and that’s ok for now.

This is why I’m not sleeping– I’m getting so great at being busy. I have literally just sealed the deal on making sure I barely have a moment to use the restroom between now and January. I am going to be doing so much, and while I am quite sure that the moment is going to come when I am completely overwhelmed, but right now it feels necessary and comforting. No time to pee = no time to sink into sadness or wishing or even imagining the future.

I did so well today, I got through some really hard conversation, I worked, I wrote my ass off. I spent 6 hours doing pretty much nothing but writing. I don’t think I have ever devoted that much time to it before now, and it felt great. I thought surely all of that brain power would mean that I would be asleep by now, but here we are and this is the part of the day that I can’t do now.

In this quiet I end up thinking about the fact that I’m 32 and I don’t want to go out looking to meet men. I want one to just show up and be perfect. Honest to God right now that’s just what I want. Is that ridiculous? Yeah. Pretty much. But my hope tank is running on empty and I’m just so weary, the thought of having to go out and look… I can’t even handle it.

What do I do now?

I can’t see the future. Someone’s going to have to tell me what to do.

And while you’re at it please, for the love of all things holy, slip me a sleeping pill.

 

 

So much change happening all at once. I’m thankful for the people in my life… Thankful they know when it’s time to change too.

20130817-022424.jpg

300This is my 300th blog post.

I was going to look back and see just how long it’s been since I started this blog, but then I decided against it. Doesn’t really matter. Sometime after I lost my Mom I took an almost year-long break from writing just about anything.

300 seems like a lot and not that much at the same time.

There have been a lot of ups and downs in the time I’ve been blogging here. Things have changed, I have changed, this blog and what I had started out writing about has changed. That’s life. I guess a part of why I don’t want to go back to the beginning and do any wallowing is because I’m in a time right now where looking back and looking too far into the future weighing me down, in a sense. I very much need to be focused on my todays.

So let’s talk about today…

Today I’m going to go to work. I’m crossing my fingers that it’s busy because that makes the day go by faster and I have to come home and see how my sister is doing on the moving in process.

I’m more than a little nervous about that– the moving in. I know it will be fine and everything, but it’s been a long time since I’ve had roommates. I figure though, it’s a good transition to make right now… things are changing in my world, lots of things, and I feel good about Kaylan and Jesse (her boyfriend) being here. It’s just going to take getting used to, that’s all.

Today I am being determined to trust.

This is a running theme for me right now… and it’s something I have to determine everyday, and most of those days multiple times. It’s really more of a moment by moment thing on some days. Some days it comes a lot easier than others, some days trusting God with my life and all of the things that are going on around me and with the choices I feel I need to make are like breathing. Effortless. It passes by and through me and I feel safe and confident in it. Other days, however, are so hard. I want to use all of these words like “battle” or “struggle” but they aren’t even enough. They don’t reflect the pain and anguish that can accompany dropping your guard and truly learning to trust God with who you are and what will be. People forget that while worry can be a heavy burden, there are times when it’s comforting like a blanket too, and in the worst of times it can feel like a protective shield. I know it sounds backwards, but it’s true. Worry is a preemptive strike against all the things that would try to sneak in and hurt you, it’s the illusion that nothing can surprise you because you’ve already thought through every possible painful outcome and tried to prepare yourself. Trust, on the other hand, is like standing bare naked in front of  an army ready for battle.

Some days I am brave, some days I can only want to be brave.

Thank you all for reading all of this time, many of you have been reading all of this time, however long that has been. =) I hope your today is blessed with bravery .

I don't look like this right now. At all. It's just a curl reference.

I don’t look like this right now. At all. It’s just a curl reference.

I eat eggs for breakfast a lot.

They seem to be one of the best things to have before I go to work and can’t ever be sure when my break will fall. I’m pretty simple about them, I like them scrambled on toast, or scrambled in breakfast tacos. The trouble is that at random I really hate them, and I can’t figure out why. There are some days, and I’m not doing anything different on those days, trust me, that they just taste gross. It’s annoying.

 

So next week I’m going to start swimming laps. Hopefully. The next several weeks are pretty busy for me and I have a lot on my mind. I feel like the water will help relieve some of the mind pressure, but it’s also exhausting, so I’m trying to be balanced about it. My goal is to get to the pool Tuesday and Thursday (at quite a painful hour of the morning).

I have to admit that lap pools totally intimidate me. I’m a good swimmer, but I’m by no means a great one and you get those people in there who have been swimming forever or who take it very seriously and look like they are training for the olympics and I’m pretty sure to them I look fairly ridiculous. I mean, it’s not really important how I look to them, but still. It’s intimidating. Usually in these situations I just have to steel myself against all of the alarms going off in my head about what people may or may not be seeing/thinking and just dive in (no pun intended).

 

I leave for California the 19th and I’m trying to prepare myself to pack next week. My work schedule is such that if I don’t plan to pack, bit by bit, early, then I will be rushing at the last minute and forget something important. I’m really going to try packing lightly… kind of.  As lightly as I can manage to get away with. Trimming down the makeup I’m using is definitely going to help with that, but now I have to consider hair stuff. I don’t know if in cutting back on the makeup I’ve somehow transfered some of the product usage to my hair, but I kind of have a lot of hair stuff to deal with. The only thing that I’m really torn about taking is my clampless curling iron. I like the soft curls. Hmm.

 

I know this is just what you all wanted to read about this morning, random hatred of eggs, packing and hair, but I woke up with so much on my mind and my heart. It felt like I had been sleeping with a huge rock on my chest. It wasn’t really worry so much as concern for too much all at once. Sometimes life doesn’t give us any sort of break and no matter where we look, everything is changing, everything is dying and being reborn at the same time. It’s exciting, but there are moments when it feels like a crushing weight because you don’t know what will come next.

As my sister often says,

Oh great God give us rest.

Katie's Photos

Tweets

Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.

December 2019
M T W T F S S
« Oct    
 1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
3031  

Categories