I am overwhelmed with life right now.

Yesterday I mentioned needing some downtime, some reenergize time, whatever. It was an understatement. I’ve stretched myself really thin and myself and everyone else within a 12 foot radius is reaping the consequences.

I don’t mean to be a jerk, really I don’t. If I’ve been a jerk to anyone reading this, I’m really sorry. There’s really no excuse for it, I’ve just grossly mismanaged myself in this finale phase of 2013.

If I’m being honest I feel like I’ve set myself up this way as a distraction of the quickly approaching 2014. Everything changes in 2014, I’m going to do new and exciting things with my career, and by new and exciting what I really mean is terrifying and panic inducing. But I’m going to do them, because it’s time. Because for some reason I cannot stop thinking about just how short our lives really are in comparison to existence as a whole and it leaves me feeling like I can’t breathe. I don’t want to wake up 20 years from now, or even ten, wishing I had taken risks and jumped into the things I dream about doing.

All of that comes with an undercurrent of fear, unfortunately, because I don’t know how it will all work out, I don’t know how all of my bills will get paid, I don’t know where I will end up or if I’ll end up with anyone. I just don’t know. And I can’t know. And it is ok for me to both be comfortable and uncomfortable with the not knowing.  But as a being who lines to be in control of my surroundings I have made the worst possible choice to cope with the near future. I’ve chosen the path of exhausting myself so I don’t have too much time to worry about the future and how things will play out.

Don’t do this to yourself.

Especially if you are at all introverted. Don’t do it.

The people in your life wont thank you.

Everyone in the world is doing something at this very moment to irritate me. Everyone I know is at their absolute worst lately and pissing me off left and right. I find myself in tears over things that are… meaningless at the end of the day, but seem, in the moment, of the most deep importance. And the problem isn’t that the people around me have suddenly become hopelessly obnoxious, it’s because I am worn down. I’m not taking time for things (like blogging, for instance) that I know will make me feel more sane. I’m not spending enough time alone, which I know that, in particular, is hard for some people to understand, but even sometimes when I think I want company the choice I should be making is to have a quiet night in with just myself.

So please forgive me if my facial expressions give you the impression that I want to kick a puppy. I assure you I do not, will not, have no plans to kick anyone. Unless you kick me first.