I have to remind myself sometimes.

Things change so quickly. Every moment is altering the next several moments in some way and then you look up one day and things are so far from where you’d thought they would be. Whole futures vanish right in front of our eyes and new futures replace them.

The thing is that the future doesn’t exist, but it doesn’t mean that you don’t miss the ones you thought would work out.

I miss a future that I wont ever have, and that’s ok for now.

This is why I’m not sleeping– I’m getting so great at being busy. I have literally just sealed the deal on making sure I barely have a moment to use the restroom between now and January. I am going to be doing so much, and while I am quite sure that the moment is going to come when I am completely overwhelmed, but right now it feels necessary and comforting. No time to pee = no time to sink into sadness or wishing or even imagining the future.

I did so well today, I got through some really hard conversation, I worked, I wrote my ass off. I spent 6 hours doing pretty much nothing but writing. I don’t think I have ever devoted that much time to it before now, and it felt great. I thought surely all of that brain power would mean that I would be asleep by now, but here we are and this is the part of the day that I can’t do now.

In this quiet I end up thinking about the fact that I’m 32 and I don’t want to go out looking to meet men. I want one to just show up and be perfect. Honest to God right now that’s just what I want. Is that ridiculous? Yeah. Pretty much. But my hope tank is running on empty and I’m just so weary, the thought of having to go out and look… I can’t even handle it.

What do I do now?

I can’t see the future. Someone’s going to have to tell me what to do.

And while you’re at it please, for the love of all things holy, slip me a sleeping pill.

 

 

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