But I changed my mind.

I said something 3 or 4 days ago about trying to be who people wanted me to be… somewhere in that thought process I realized how trapped I felt, how there was this person in my head who felt like she was in a cage.

I don’t really know exactly where it began, but I know that I’ve fallen into this habit in almost every relationship of any kind where I hold back, where I try to adjust my preferences to the other persons because I don’t want them to dislike me for being too different, or for disagreeing. Which I think is what I kind of said in that first post.

Anyway, I challenged myself to write about something everyday for a solid year about a choice I’ve made, something I’ve done, or something that just reflects who I am as a person that has nothing to do with other people so much… if that makes sense. It’s just kind of separate from things I’m thinking about or working out or experiencing. It’s just me.

I hadn’t wanted to give an explanation at first, honestly I’m not sure why, but then I got to thinking that if I’m going to post them publicly maybe I should, so there’s no confusion between the posts labeled this way and others. I don’t know. Anyway. Don’t expect these posts to be particularly articulate or profound.

 

So something I really enjoy doing is letter writing. I can’t really describe what it does for my head, I wish I could because it has a profound impact on how I feel about myself. I don’t think I really understand it completely myself. As a letter writer, I love the lyrics to D’arline from the new Civil Wars album.

D’Arline, hope this finds you well
There’s so much I’m dying to tell, but oh
That’s how it goes
Little things left unsaid
That I can’t keep in my head but oh
Just so you know
You’ll always be the only one
Always be the only one
D’Arline, what do I do now?
Can’t live with you or without, but oh
That’s how it goes
I could get over you
But please don’t ask me to
Just so you know
You’ll always be the only one
Even when you’re not
You’ll always be the only one
Even when you’re gone
You always said you want me to be happy
But happiness was having you here with me
You’ll always be the one that’s standing in my way
And that’s okay
You’ll always be the only one
You’ll always be the only one
D’Arline, if I only knew
Where to send this letter to

 

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