300This is my 300th blog post.

I was going to look back and see just how long it’s been since I started this blog, but then I decided against it. Doesn’t really matter. Sometime after I lost my Mom I took an almost year-long break from writing just about anything.

300 seems like a lot and not that much at the same time.

There have been a lot of ups and downs in the time I’ve been blogging here. Things have changed, I have changed, this blog and what I had started out writing about has changed. That’s life. I guess a part of why I don’t want to go back to the beginning and do any wallowing is because I’m in a time right now where looking back and looking too far into the future weighing me down, in a sense. I very much need to be focused on my todays.

So let’s talk about today…

Today I’m going to go to work. I’m crossing my fingers that it’s busy because that makes the day go by faster and I have to come home and see how my sister is doing on the moving in process.

I’m more than a little nervous about that– the moving in. I know it will be fine and everything, but it’s been a long time since I’ve had roommates. I figure though, it’s a good transition to make right now… things are changing in my world, lots of things, and I feel good about Kaylan and Jesse (her boyfriend) being here. It’s just going to take getting used to, that’s all.

Today I am being determined to trust.

This is a running theme for me right now… and it’s something I have to determine everyday, and most of those days multiple times. It’s really more of a moment by moment thing on some days. Some days it comes a lot easier than others, some days trusting God with my life and all of the things that are going on around me and with the choices I feel I need to make are like breathing. Effortless. It passes by and through me and I feel safe and confident in it. Other days, however, are so hard. I want to use all of these words like “battle” or “struggle” but they aren’t even enough. They don’t reflect the pain and anguish that can accompany dropping your guard and truly learning to trust God with who you are and what will be. People forget that while worry can be a heavy burden, there are times when it’s comforting like a blanket too, and in the worst of times it can feel like a protective shield. I know it sounds backwards, but it’s true. Worry is a preemptive strike against all the things that would try to sneak in and hurt you, it’s the illusion that nothing can surprise you because you’ve already thought through every possible painful outcome and tried to prepare yourself. Trust, on the other hand, is like standing bare naked in front of  an army ready for battle.

Some days I am brave, some days I can only want to be brave.

Thank you all for reading all of this time, many of you have been reading all of this time, however long that has been. =) I hope your today is blessed with bravery .