borrowed from google images

Prepare yourself, this Friday’s gossipy attempt at humor post is being interrupted by my rather somber mood. So I’m telling on myself and talking about some of the emotions that are at war inside of me right now instead.

I searched google for images of a broken heart… because broken-hearted, clichéd as it may be, is the only way I can think of to describe how I feel right now, though it doesn’t seem to come close to really encompassing it.

The pictures I found were kind of annoying… they all featured hearts that were broken and stitched up, or bandaged, or in some other way being mended.  They just didn’t fit, my heart doesn’t feel as though it was simply cracked and now it’s being glued back together. Then I found the picture featured above. A heart in a chest, looking not just cracked, but almost blown open, bleeding.  Sorry for the gore, but this was it… this came much closer to what I felt… what I feel.

My mom’s doctors are on the fence with her diagnosis, half say it’s “acute renal failure” and the other half say “end renal failure”. Acute renal failure would mean that eventually her kidney’s would come back and function as they did before, while end renal failure would mean that there’s no going back and that she would be dependent on  dialysis for the rest of her life.

This made me think about my broken heart… maybe there are acute broken hearts and end broken hearts. Maybe there’s a period of time where your “heart”, the seat of your spirit, your passion and emotion, can repair its self of the wounds that life affords. And then maybe there comes a point, perhaps a point we all must eventually reach, where we experience end broken heartedness.

When you reach that point maybe (and I know this is a lot of maybes), but maybe part of the confusion and frustration has to do with asking how to mend a broken heart, when the question should be instead, how to live with one.

Dialysis or kidney transplant are the answers for someone with end renal failure, but what’s the answer for end broken heartedness? And does healing necessarily mean that what is broken is stitched back together? Or can you experience a different kind of healing through being utterly broken?

Maybe a completely cracked, blown open, and bleeding heart makes way for something bigger and stronger, something that you wouldn’t find you needed unless you experienced end broken heartedness. Maybe.